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August 20, 2013
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This is gospel for the fallen ones
Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories


    The pen that was gripped firmly in your hand scraped quietly against the paper that sat on the desktop in front of you. Quickly, you scribbled words that you hope might somehow explain the actions you planned on doing tonight.

    Your heart broke as you read over what you wrote, pushing the paper aside once you had finished. You hadn't wanted this. You just... You didn't know what you were doing. You gripped the pen tighter in your gasp, suddenly turning in your seat to throw it at the wall, finding that the solid, however quiet, noise it made when it hit the wall rather satisfying.

    Crossing your arms over your desk, you buried your head in the cave of sorts it made. You didn't want to leave... Really, you didn't. You were happier than you had been in such a long time, but you knew that it couldn't last. Nothing lasted for you.

Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

    Still, you felt your heart somehow feel lighter whenever you thought of him, whenever you thought of Ludwig Beilschmidt. He had taken you in when you had needed it, been nice to you in the gruff way that showed he really did care for you, even grown to like you enough to let you stay with him. You loved him. You knew you loved him, but you somehow feared the feeling. What did he feel? What if he didn't take all this so seriously like you did? You couldn't go through heartbreak, not again. It seemed that every time you got in a relationship you thought was actually serious, you would only end up with a broken heart. The last time this had happened to you, you had sworn you could live alone. You were perfectly fine with the thought of living alone, or living with friends if it meant your heart would be safe. What you hadn't expected was Ludwig.

When gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds
But they haven’t seen the best of us yet


    You closed your eyes, your head still buried in your arms. Echoes of practically every horrible moment in your life echoed in your mind like they often did. It was almost as if your brain was trying to depress you. You clenched your fists, squeezing your eyes shut even tighter. No. You weren't going to go through this again. You were tired of this self-pity. You were better than that.

    You took slow, deep breaths, trying to calm yourself. You could get through this. You were sure of it. You felt yourself slipping off to sleep, and you knew you would be hard pressed to stop yourself from drifting off. With the thought of, "He'll be home late... I have time... He always works late..." echoing through your mind, you allowed yourself to slip off into a state of unconsciousness that you were sure would be only a short nap, lasting only half an hour or so.

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart
Oh, This is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart


    He left work early and coincidentally, he came home early as well. He knew the work would only pile up, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All Ludwig Beilschmidt wanted to do was get home and see his girlfriend. All day long, thoughts of you had drifted in and out of his head, weaving into his mind so deep that it was nearly impossible to think of anything else.

    You were different from a lot of people he had met in the past. In fact, you were so different to him, that almost from the very beginning, he had felt a need to know you. The second he saw you alone, looking almost in a trance, or perhaps it was more of a lost sort of look, he had become somehow transfixed by your very presence. That was an obvious point, though. He had taken you out the very same day he had met you, even offered you a place to stay when he had found out you had moved to Germany on little more than a whim.

    Slowly, he had gotten to know you, like you, maybe even borderline on a feeling... larger than that. He had known that you had been hurt in the past. After all, everyone had at some point, even him... especially him. He thought that maybe he could somehow heal the scars others had left over your heart in much the same way you were beginning to hear his, and he thought he had been doing well. That was why not a single word, not even a string of words could describe exactly what Ludwig thought as he walked over to where you lay sleeping, and read the paper that rested precariously near the edge of your desk.

    Ludwig was never one who attempted to riffle through anyone’s personal possessions, but when he glanced towards this simple piece of paper, the one thing that suddenly jumped out at him was his name scrawled up near the top of the paper in your handwriting, and he couldn’t help but snatch up the paper and let his gaze flick over the words.

    Ludwig’s bright, baby blue eyes scanned the words you had written in a slow, almost lazy, sort of way, but as he progressed further into this letter of sorts, his eyes moved more and more quickly from left to right until he gave up, not wanting to read anymore of what you had so foolishly scribbled down. Slowly, he let his hand drop, the paper, now wrinkled from how tightly he had been gripping it, dropping to the floor as well.

    He could feel his heart thumb against his chest over and over as his steely gaze looked down at your somehow peaceful form. Was it really that easy for you to just leave? Could you just run off without looking back, without feeling any regret whatsoever?

    But then... You had apologised. Again and again you had written the words, “I’m sorry.”

    You were afraid, you had put that much in your letter. Foolish. You thought you were alone in these feelings? You thought your heart was the only one at risk? If he hadn't known you, he might have thought you selfish.

    Ludwig Beilschmidt was on the verge of admitting he had fallen in love, even though the reality was that he had fallen so long ago, but you were here... pushing him away when he thought he had come so close. Now, he didn’t know what to feel anymore. He was practically back to the same mindset he had before he had met you.

    As if you could sense these sudden clashing of feelings and emotions occurring around you, your eyes popped open, and you woke up to the rather unexpected surprise of Ludwig himself staring down at you with his set of powerful eyes, his blonde hair slicked back in the same orderly way it always was. He stood tall, almost intimidatingly so.

This is gospel for the vagabonds,
Ne’er do wells, and insufferable bastards
Confessing their apostasies
Lead away by imperfect impostors
Oh, This is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart


    It took you only moments after your eyelids had dreamily opened for your attention to peak. Your spine snapped up, your posture straight as a board, your eyes wider than you had believed they could ever get.

    “Ludwig!” The large amount of surprise you felt was obviously shown in the way you spoke.

    You looked up into the pair of eyes that usually looked at you with such love and care and saw... pain. Pain and betrayal. You felt your heart suddenly pang in your chest. You knew he had read the letter. Why else would he look at you like that?

    “Ludwig...” Now your voice was softer, resentful almost. Slowly, you stood from your chair, trying to search your mind for some sort of excuse, some sort of explanation, but you could come up with none. “I...” The single, pitiful word was the only thing you could get out. “I’m sorry.”

    Silence. He didn’t say anything. All he did was look you straight in the eyes as if he was trying to decipher your thoughts. You knew he never would. You couldn’t even understand what was going through your mind, what had made you write that letter.

    All you could hear was the sound of your heart beating in your ears.

Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world
Bury me alive
Because I won’t give up without a fight


    Ludwig looked over your face, the cogs slowly turning in his mind. Of course he wanted you to stay, he would always want you to stay, but he wanted you to be happy, and if being with him wasn’t enough for you then...

    No. He wasn’t going to take that route. Not this time. Too many times had he let a feeling slip through his fingers because he just assumed a person wouldn’t feel the same. He was going to fight. He could fight wars, history showed anyone that, and if he could fight wars for land and freedom and money, then he could fight the war to keep you remaining his.

    Here you stood before him, your head hanging down so your hair hung in front of your face, confusion being the only thing you understood. How could he let you face that alone.

    Softly, so softly that you almost didn’t hear, he spoke. “I understand.”

    Your head shot up, your gaze being trapped in his more powerful one. Kindness again filled those blue orbs, and it somehow gave you reassurance.

    “I understand.” Louder, he spoke. His posture straightening as if he was preparing himself for inspection. “I understand zhat you are afraid of... all zhis. Of zhese new feelings. Of... everyzhing, but don’t zhink zhese feelings are vone sided.” He looked uncomfortable with actually sharing his feelings for once. You watched as his eyes suddenly sparked, a new found determination filling up his body. You felt your chin being cradled in his calloused hand suddenly, forcing you to look up, look up deep into those eyes. “Don’t be afraid. I’m here... Und I am not going to leave.”

    He spoke so truthfully, and he stood so strong and tall. Before you understood what you were doing, you felt yourself collapse into his arms.

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart


    He held you so firmly in his grasp, you felt every muscle you had tensed while writing that letter relax. His strong arms held you close, closer than ever before. You couldn’t believe you had written all those things. You couldn’t understand why you had thought Ludwig would be like everyone else and just desert you. He... understood.
You could feel tears fall from your eyes and immediately soak up into his shirt. You didn’t want to leave. You just wanted him to hold you... You just wanted to sleep and forget you had ever thought about leaving.

    As Ludwig held you, he leaned down and hesitantly pressed his lips to the top of your head. He really couldn’t let you go now, not after all he had gone through. You were his, and you would always be his.

The fear of falling apart

    "I'm here, (y/n). I'll alvays be here."
Alright! This is a commission (Commissions are still open by the waaaaay~ Shameless advertising.) for twenty points from the lovely :iconsleepingintheshadows: She wanted a songfic for Germany.
This song is "This is Gospel" by Panic! At The Disco, who are a lovely band. I listen to them frequently. The lead singer having beautiful eyes may have something to do with my attraction... XD I'm horrible.
Anyway! I'm not used to writing this serious-y stuff when concerning fanfictions. I mean in my novel, I can be plenty serious, I just don't like to be. XD So anyway! I don't usually like characters that roll and wallow in their own angst, so I did have the reader be a bit angsty, but then I also had them go through the thought-process of just why they might have over-reacted a bit... Not trying to offend people, it's just that I can only stand so much sad, self-pity, and I like dynamic characters, so. XD
Still, hope you guys like this~!
I may also be entering in a contest... I think I saw some contest about a theme being bittersweet... and this is pretty bittersweet in my opinion. :D

Hetalia isn't mine~
The song definitely isn't mine~
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkittendream15:
Kittendream15 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
THE SONG YOU PUT IN HAS ALL THE YES AND THE STORY MAKES IT EVEN MORE SO!!
Reply
:iconthathetaliafreak9:
ThatHetaliaFreak9 Featured By Owner Edited Sep 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG. THANK YOU. YOU HAVE THE BEST GRAMMAR. YOU ARE ONE OF MY FAVOURITE WRITERS. I SHOULD PROBABLY STOP WRITING IN ALL CAPS NOW
Reply
:iconpolarphoenix590:
polarphoenix590 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
I thought it was going to be a suicide note at the beginning...
Reply
:iconhellokitty-hatter:
HelloKitty-Hatter Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love Panic! At the disco!  When I saw this was  asongfic using the song This is gospel, I had to read. I loved this!
Reply
:icondriftingnotes:
Driftingnotes Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2013
Oh my goodness, me too. Their songs are fantastic~
I'm glad you enjoyed my story~
Reply
:iconlunabun:
lunabun Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Student Writer
This is probably, no, not probably. This is definitely the best story I've read a looooooong time.
Your grammar is great (can I just hug you, all for that one thing goodness sakes), the story line is beautiful, and you can just feel the emotion in the story.
This mad me cry so much.
I connected with it, a lot, and I love it when I can connect with stories.
And with that I say, bravo to you.
Reply
:icondriftingnotes:
Driftingnotes Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2013
Thnk you so much for your lovely comment~
Grammer is a must for me, and I always strive to make sure people really get some sort of emotion from my stories, so I'm glad it affected you!
I am sorry it made you cry, though!
Reply
:iconlunabun:
lunabun Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Student Writer
It's perfectly alright, it's a good thing when a story makes someone cry, that's how you know you wrote it well.
At least it's one way, for that matter.
Reply
:icondriftingnotes:
Driftingnotes Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013
I suppose you are right~
Reply
:iconfangirlhetalia:
FANGIRLHetalia Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
EPIC STORY. I am literally o the verge of tears, because of this beautiful work of art.
Reply
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